It was raining but not too heavily. The trees on the sides had
extended their canopy up to the road. Only few droplets could make their way up
to the driver’s head at times. It was March and still cool. The rain had made
it even cooler. The diver was a young man who cared very little about the
seasons. The shirt he was wearing was not thick enough for the weather.
“I care very little about what I wear sir. I didn’t realize
I was wearing this shirt until you mentioned.”
“What I mean to say is you must be feeling cold. I just put
it wrongly.”
“No, no. Its warm enough sir even though it looks thin. I’m
good.”
The pitch dark road was filled with intermittent spots
caused by water drops. That polka dotted road seem to spread very far in a
similar fashion from where they were. The green ribbon of bushy forest ran
along and didn’t seem to stop anywhere.
“Yes, it’s a bit too far sir. If it was on taxi it would
have been faster. But it will take us nearly two hours to reach there with this
rickshaw. The monastery lies inside this Nagarjun forest.”
As they moved on, the
rain was steady in its pace and volume but the silence deepened and the road
steepened. The gushing sound of tyre from rickshaw was more prominent than the
croaks and buzzes from the forest.
“Do you want me to come off for some time?”
“No, no sir. You don’t have to. This is nothing in front of
those steep roads I overcame. You should have seen them, they were this
vertical.” The driver folded his right hand at 90 degrees as he measured the
steepness.
“I think the air pressure is low in the tyres.”
“How did you know sir?
Even I think so now. Let me do a quick check.”
The driver pumped the air inside the tyre from the pump he
had kept underneath the passenger’s seat.
“That’s why, it was bit uneasy. I didn’t even realize.”
The road kept undulating for some distance.
“Life is same sir. Like this road, sometimes it goes up and
sometimes it goes down like this.”
The driver would get thrilled when he rode downhill.
“Be careful. It might be a little scary.”
“Yes sir. But this road is usually vacant. And today its
even strike so no vehicles will come.”
The driver said in a thick subdued voice as he climbed uphill. Then a
straight road followed for some distance when it suddenly turned to right and
the pavement became earthen from asphalt. The driver then stopped at a small
cottage on the right.
“I thought you might like some tea and cigarette.”
“Yes. Sure.” It was hard to say something contrary to this.
The atmosphere looked foggy even though the rain had thinned down. The nicotine
fumes had turned the fog into smog around the hut when they left.
“You don’t smoke, do you?”
“No sir. Now I don’t. I used to a lot back then. Slowly, I
started developing cough and chest pain. And I quit.”
The driver then turned the rickshaw and took the previous
course. By the time, the rain had ceased and the trees on the side were
different. They had no big canopies to screen the rain. They were slender and
composed.
“We still have a lot to go. I guess, it’s about midway.”
“No worries. I’ve all the time in the world. You do it on
your pace.”
The road was still long and never ending. The forest on the
side moved along similarly. The sky stayed vast and the surrounding foggy. The
setting was same up to the horizon. It was impossible to remain reclusive even
with the stranger.
“How long will you stay here, Sir?”
“About a month.”
“I mean here in monastery?”
“About a month.”
“Oh! Okay. And in Nepal, overall?”
“About a month.”
The driver held back for a while.
“Oh, then you must have been here for some important work at
monastery. I heard it is supported by foreign donors.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Yeah. Which country you’re from sir?”
“America.”
“Wow! That must be a great place. Aint’ it?”
“Yeah its nice. But I am loving this place better.”
“Really? You mean this place, Nepal?”
“Uh-huh. It’s beautiful.”
“You’ve been here before?”
“Yea, long time back. In the 70’s.”
“If you don’t mind, that was a hippie period right?”
“Yeah, I came with my friends. We just backpacked and set
off.”
“Don’t tell me you were here for marijuana and hash. You
don’t look like a hippie in anyway.”
“Well, I was young and foolish then. The latter I still am.”
“It must have been fun. How was it back then? Did you find
some difference?”
“It was definitely very happening. I don’t know how it is
now. I just arrived yesterday evening and here I am. I can’t exactly figure out
the difference but the airport and roads seem a bit different. I’m sure there
are changes, there has to be. It’s been a long time, over 40 years.”
“How long did you stay that time?”
“Well, I had no plans to return but I got deported to India.
From there, I went back to my country.”
“So, you have an interesting history with this place.”
“Uh-huh. Sure, I have one. You sound intelligent, young man.
Did you go to college?”
“No, Sir. I haven’t completed even my school. I was at
English schooI and doing well when I dropped out at standard 9. My father
brought home a new woman. My mother couldn’t bear it and committed suicide. I
couldn’t stay there anymore and left the place.”
“That’s unfortunate. That’s really unfortunate!”
“I wanted to kill that man, but fate had bigger plans. His
second wife ran away with all his money and I hear he is bedridden with syphilis
with no one to give him a glass of warm water. He deserves it all. He deserves
the worst of the worst death.”
“You’re the only child?”
“No, fortunately, my elder sister was already married before
that black wind started blowing.”
Cool breeze was roaming around. There were goose bumps on
the driver’s nape.
“But I am in a fine space now. I run the garment shop of the
hotel owner, the hotel you’re staying.”
“And rickshaw?”
“Yeah, well I do this during the strikes only, when the shops
are closed. My boss gave me this idea. He is a wise man.”
“Its good actually. You can earn extra money.”
“Yes. Even I felt the same. Why should I detain myself when
I have muscles to keep me going?”
“Exactly. When I was young, I too worked for long hours in
the factory. I worked over time. I was working like 50 hours a week.”
“I am planning to buy a taxi in a mortgage next year, if
everything goes well. And get married soon after.”
“That’s great. Do you have a girlfriend?”
“She isn’t my girlfriend yet. But she likes me a lot. I’ve
been loving her for past three years. She works in the shop opposite to my
shop.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“I am very sure sir. I love her so much. I really do.”
“I am asking about the girl. How can you be so sure that she
loves you too?”
“Oh! About her, I can know that by looking at her face. She
appears rather uncomfortable when I look at her. Well, that’s not only the thing.
She cares about me and brings me some share of her lunch most often though not
daily. If it’s not love than what is it?”
“Well it looks a lot like love. But to be on the safe side,
you’d better propose the girl.”
“I wanted to ask her to marry me, but whenever she is
around, I just cant do it.”
“Do what?”
“Ask her for marriage. I don’t know how to do it. The
thought of it makes me uncomfortable. I fear I might look foolish, and she
might end up laughing at me.”
“It shouldn’t be that difficult.”
“Can you tell me how you did that? You must have been
married.”
“Well I bought her a ring and got down on my knees.”
“Whoa, that sounds really romantic.”
“Well, actually I didn’t do that. I conned you. It was her.”
“Did she get down on her knees?”
“Oh, No. She didn’t. She just asked me to move in with her
in the midst of conversation. I was pleasantly surprised.”
“You were not married?”
“No. We so wanted to but before we could she was no more.
She died last month.”
“So you are unmarried for your whole life.”
“Well, I was engaged once. But we broke up. She was pregnant
and left away with my child in her belly.”
“Wait. I got confused, you’re talking about two different
women right?”
“Yeah, two totally different women; one who loved me and one
who loved somebody else.”
“Well, who did you love then?”
“I loved both at two different times.”
“But I am sure you love her more, the one you were engaged
with.”
“How come it be so?”
“Because a person cannot forget one’s first love and always
loves her more.”
“Well, then she was not my first love. Somebody else was who
I can’t clearly recall now.”
The driver combed his
hair back with his fingers. The moment became still. He appeared short of
words.
“Is she your first love, this girl you’re now talking
about?”
“Yes she is. I liked one girl at my village, but that was
not love.”
“I suggest you let her know about your plans. Or you might
end up being a loner.”
“I won’t be lonely. I can find another if she denies my true
love.”
“For that you should let her know that you love her truly.”
“Do I need to get down on my knees?”
“You can do it any way you like.”
“I will tell her I want to make a family with you, have
small cute children. Will it work?”
“That sounds nice. You give a try.”
The young man stopped suddenly.
“You want to get off?”
“For what?”
The driver signaled something and went near the bushes on
the right to pee.
“Making a bladder gladder, huh?”
He got on his seat with a smile revealing two utterly deep
dimples on both the cheeks.”
“You have a nice smile.”
“Sheetal says I look like Shahrukh khan with them.”
“Who is he?”
“He is a film star.”
“Okay.”
“And I’ll call her kajol after we get married.”
“Who is Kajol?”
“She is a film star as well.”
“Does she looks like her?”
“No she doesn’t. She looks like Rani Mukherjee.”
“Then why would you call her Kajol?”
“Because Shahrukh and Kajol look good together.”
“Oh okay. But you need to make her your heroine before she
starts looking for other hero.”
“Yes I will soon. Actually, Its something else. I don’t care
about looking stupid at all with her. Many times I’ve made up my mind and tried
to confess, but I failed every time. Something is holding me back.”
“What’s that?”
“Nothing much important. Okay leave it.”
“Are you sure? Well, you can tell it to me, if you like.”
“Really? Can I?”
“Of course. Go ahead. Let me know what’s holding you back.”
“I hope you won’t tell it to anybody else. It’s a very deep
secret.”
“C’mon, I am almost a stranger. Still, I won’t tell to
anybody.”
“I’m..I don’t know how to say. It happened to me a long time
back and now when I grew up it started haunting me.”
“Has it got to do with your body, something you are
uncomfortable about? Well if that’s the case, love doesn’t restrict itself in
those terms.”
“Well, not exactly. It hasn’t got to do much about the body.
But it’s a bit about the same actually.”
“Were you involved with someone else? Was it sexual?”
“Yeah. It is. But I didn’t know back then. I didn’t know
anything about it. I was only 14. And the girl I told you, I liked, she liked
me too. She was around the same age. I was with my mom and she was with hers.
We were both helping them in the fields. Mom asked me to go and get some water
to drink. I was going towards the tap, when I felt like someone is following
me. When I turned to look back, it was her. Her scarf was falling down and her
bosoms were in a full swing. She was running like a feral cat. I was
immediately taken aback by her sight. I was swelling up like a balloon in
there. That’s when everything happened, in the rye field.”
The driver was losing his control on the breaks and the
rickshaw nearly stumbled on the retaining wall along the forest.
“Careful.”
“Yes sir. And I didn’t even know what I was doing or
understand what I did. It was just like a random thing that made little sense.
I forgot it soon after. Later, when I came here in Kathmandu, and made friends I
became aware about these things. And that mindless act made a lot of sense all
of a sudden and started haunting me. More so, after I fell in love with her, Sheetal.”
“So, that’s what holding you back?”
“Yes sir. That’s keeping me away from her. If it wasn’t for that,
I would have somehow confessed my love to her by now.”
“That’s not a big deal, young man. That’s not a deal at all.
You gotta be over it. And move forward.”
“Are you sure, it’s not a big thing?”
“Well, see. There are actually sinful deeds in life to
regret about.”
“How can you be so sure about it?”
“You hurt none right? There are instances people hurt others
and still move on without any trace of guilt.”
“Did somebody hurt you Sir?”
“No. It’s actually the other way around. My fiancé, left
because of me. I was a madman back then. I remained so for a long time. Not
just her, I’ve been unfair to many others women. I’ve hurt them badly. And the
worst was I didn’t regret it until recently when I was left all alone, old and
unemployed.”
“And the woman, did she died because of you?”
“Linda? No she didn’t. I suppose she didn’t die because of
me. She had lever cirrhosis. She drank a bit more. She was widowed when she met
me. Like me, she too was old and lonely. Our weariness was compatible but she
was a lot better person than I am. She loved me a lot, lot more than I loved
her. In fact I wasn’t even honest with her. I lied to her to win her sympathy,
I lied to her about all those women, about my fiancé, and about my child. I
told her that Jina was carrying somebody else’s child and was unfaithful to me.
Poor Linda, she didn’t know I was a womanizer, an assaultive moron, an asshole.
I told it to nobody. I lied to people all my life. I blamed the poor women in
front of others. I was this crazy asshole! Oh! How I hate myself now!”
A pensive pin drop silence settled between the two. And it
lasted for some long time.
“Sir this is the monastery.” The driver spoke in somewhat
shaky tone.
“Thank you young man for dropping me safely. It was a
wonderful journey together. I felt liberated after talking to you. We will
catch up after I am out of this.” He said as he pointed to the monastery on his
right. “And one thing, don’t ‘Sir’ me. Call me Brian. We’re like buddies now.
We know each other’s secrets and had the same jobs. I used to drive pedicab
back in Florida.”
“I hope you don’t tell it to anybody.”
“Don’t worry I won’t. This is for you.” Brian took out the
money from his wallet and forwarded it to the driver.
“No no. I won’t need it. He will pay me my share; my boss.”
“Take it. It’s a tip. You deserve it.”
The driver looked confused as he held the 10 $bill on his
hand and turned the rickshaw.
“You gotta move on man. That ain’t no big deal.” Brian
shouted as he waved.
